Been feeling especially insecure lately. Exceptionally down emotionally. Don’t feel like a worthy human being. Or at least in this world that values superficial things and status. This world where bullies thrive and aggression is rewarded. I just want peace and often feel myself being swept away in the currents. I don’t know how else to be. I accept that I’m passive although I secretly wish I could command respect and have value one day.
When I’m depressed and anxious I find dining with someone you can talk to honesty from the heart (my partner in this case) while partaking in good food truly comforting. I find it impossible to cut off carbs or dairy and there is no real scientific evidence that it helps, but yet all the bombarding of information makes me feel guilty. I constantly feel guilt and it’s exhausting.
What I do feel sure of is that mental health in my case is more critical. I feel deep in my gut that past traumas from the time I was a child including later traumas have led to a lowering of my immunity and the cancer to spread. The cancer is a physical manifestation of my pain. I always knew the day would come even as a child. At the moment it seems under control and I don’t want it rearing its scary head again.
I need to try my very best not to let the negative voice constantly echoing in my head win. If I can regain my confidence and not constantly feel like I don’t deserve to be here or like a burden and of no value, it will help me so much. Ironically I stopped feeling like a waste of space when I was going through treatment. I felt like I had a role at least and when it was over I went back to feeling useless.
Please don’t be alarmed by this post. Articulating my thoughts helps me and I hope to look back on this post when I am in a better place emotionally and see that there are ups in life that will triumph over the downs. I also want to reach out to fellow anxiety sufferers so that we all don’t feel so alone. Posted this on Instagram and felt like publishing it on my blog too.
My boss is trying all ways to bully me to resign, and I’m anxious and worried and I feel worthless. I feel like I am going crazy. I can’t sleep and I have no appetite. I guess, in some ways, we are have similar feelings. It makes me feel slightly better to have a kindred spirit in you going through similar emotions, and I hope that you feel better like I do when I learn that I am not alone in going through this.
Oh no I’m so sorry to hear that. Hugs. Hope things get a whole lot better. Bullies are awful and subtle bullying is the worst.
Sorry I haven’t checked my blog for ages but so heartening to see your message.
I’ve heard of quite a few instances of bosses bullying staff to get them to resign. It’s so horrible that they get away with it. This abuse of power. Just so many unethical things going on.
You are missed here. xx
Do you believe the way you feel has anything to do with being more active on social media? I was very active for years, and it left me feeling empty inside. Just a thought.
I would love to see you Blog more. xx Much love. xx
Appreciate you writing Barb.
Hang in there. You are certainly not a waste of space. Your blog has touched many, whether or not you are aware of it, and your writing is your gift to those who find it. You have a talent and you are using it to reach others, which is more than most of us can say.
I pray peace, joy and hope for you. God bless!
Thank you Ange
Thanks for lifting my spirits Ange.
You shall have all the courage and strength from the power of the Dharma (the truth in the world). Happiness will follow you. You are a warrior. From a well wisher.
Thank you Kaya
Hi, just want to check in with you if everything is ok? I follow you on Twitter and saw that you hadn’t tweeted in a long time. Let me know if you need someone to talk about cancer. My mum didn’t cut anything in her diet except the seafood that she was somewhat allergic to.
I’m ok Cat. thank you