My biggest worry is forgetting. I want you never to be forgotten, but lately my memory has taken a hit after two rounds of chemo and the general anaesthesia that comes with surgeries. This is why, even though I’ll probably never be able to face or relive the worst day of my life, full on, I want to instead hang on to my happier memories of you before more of the outlines blur.
Everyone remembers incidents differently and from their point of view. As the first born daughter, this is mine.
I recall getting puzzled that you were always laughing at me as a kid. Usually it was after something I said. As an adult I realise you must have found me cute and that anything I said was a joy to you, because this is how I feel about the precious little ones in my life. I wish you could have met them. They helped to save me. Thrice. Through immense loss and 2 bouts of cancer. They have no clue. You would have found them beyond divine.
Sorry to say this, but their Papa is an even better one than you. He is perfect and watching my young relative with his babies makes me so happy. You would definitely think so too and be super impressed by the sweet little boy you knew and admired even then.
But you know what, I still wouldn’t trade you. You are mine forever and we all have our flaws. You did the best you could with what you knew and my angel mum was there to temper everything, so we’re good.
You did the only thing that mattered, right though. You left me with zero doubt that you loved me unconditionally.
When I was a kid, you did say that you wanted to be with me in heaven. (Complicated religious things but yeah) Of course I wish that too.
Anyone who has loving parents wants to be with them for eternity. Anything less just seems cruel. But when I see people with lousy parents and who will never understand my grief in the slightest, I still think it’s better to be loved and love than to having a gaping hole. Even with my pain I am the lucky one.
It’s why I feel being a parent is a privilege and an immense responsibility. Some parents demand filial piety from their kids, but they got it so wrong as a kid never asked to be born. But if you loved them right, you don’t have to ask for anything. The child will just naturally give you so much and more. This is just based on some old fashioned bad parents I know.