I want to be more in control of my life and not let my anxieties highjack my peace. I want to stop having insomnia and when I finally fall asleep, nightmares.
My own perceptions of advancing age and illness are placing unnecessary psychological limits on me.
You see, if I had amnesia and woke up not knowing my age or that I have cancer, I think I would have a totally different perspective about what is possible.
This is precisely why I long for my twenties. I’m actually longing for that feeling of intense excitement about all the wonderful dreamy things I can achieve in the future.
I’ve replaced it with fear and dread of what can go wrong next. It’s like someone told me “it’s all downhill from now” and I believed them. One of my colleagues actually said that to me in relation to turning 25. It’s crazy to think about it now. Now even being 40 something is incredibly young to me.
When I look at people in their 80’s and 90’s who are doing what they enjoy and are still independent, it gives me hope. It gives me hope to see loved ones aging well or overcoming chronic illness like heart disease through their efforts of keeping fit through walking and eating smaller portions. Even thinking of my grandma being so active and independent in her 80’s makes me smile.
What would I do if I was 22? Firstly I would work on getting into the best shape possible. Next I would want to pick up new knowledge I’m passionate about. Actually I’m already doing this. I would try new things I’ve always set my heart on. I would feel no limits. I would feel that anything is possible and whatever I visualise will materialise.
Thinking out loud now. No limits right? Then I dream of being a published writer who gets to travel well for free. Just wanna put it out there. And I want my writing to be of value.
My partner is 3 years older, but has so much more energy that me. It impresses me how much he gets done in a day and not just collapse at the end of the day. And he never procrastinates.
My aunty amazes me with how she bakes wonderful cakes upon request or when the inspiration strikes her, and also teaches her grandchildren while making them the most nutritious delicious meals. They too declare that no one can make it like she does.
I would be so proud of myself if I were them. Especially knowing that their lives are not easy and they have gone through hurdles in the workforce as well. I mention them in particular, because their skills seem to be taken for granted and are under the radar.
So yeah maybe I can too? Do something with my writing, which is something I love doing anyway. I just need to believe in myself more. And I’m thankful for those who believe in me when I find it hard to believe in myself.