Category Archives: Cancer

Been Almost 7 Years Since that Cancer Diagnosis in 2016

My oncologist is so pleased every time I get a good tumour marker reading. She always tells me well done, although I honestly feel like I’ve done nothing. I just lay there. Everyone else did everything. Well I did try … Continue reading

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Curious about Natural Menopause

I wonder when I would have actually had menopause if not for the surgical one at 45. My friend at 52 hasn’t reached menopause yet. And my mum thinks she had menopause in her mid fifties. Honestly I feel robbed … Continue reading

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Have Not Been Writing

I don’t feel an urge to write when I feel I can’t be completely honest. It’s like – what’s the point? In my entire life I have never lied other than doing it to spare someone’s feelings. Like an insecure … Continue reading

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Always Regret Reading the Headlines in the Straits Times

All it does is to give me intense anxiety. Why is there never any good news. It’s all gloom. It’s all about money and it feels like in this country (and perhaps many others other than the Scandinavian countries) you … Continue reading

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Long Term Effects of Radiotherapy (Brachytherapy)

Thought I would be fine after brachytherapy (a form of radiotherapy given internally for uterine cancer and in my case an absolute nightmare far worse than chemotherapy). But years after, I’m experiencing radiation burn on the external parts of my … Continue reading

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Miss Having Lunch Out With My Mum

She hardly likes to go out and even more so since the covid period, but when it comes to my medical appointments she likes to accompany me as my doctors and nurses know her well. She says they are always … Continue reading

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If I Had A Year Left To Live

Whatever time I had I would want to spend with the ones I love. And beyond that I would regret not writing down my life story and what I’ve learnt. All the things I’ve kept hidden which is actually not … Continue reading

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Fascinated by Salman Rushdie revealing the best period of his life

If I could go back and relive any time in my life, I’d start in 1979. I was just finishing Midnight’s Children and my first son was about to be born. In fact, I remember telling his mother to just … Continue reading

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What I Wrote Yesterday Feels False

False in the sense that I’m forcing myself to sound more well and upbeat than I am. Inside I’m drowning. I never wrote about the times I have such intense fear that I feel paralysed into inertia. Whether it’s a … Continue reading

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Trying to be My Own Therapist & Psyche Myself Up

I want to be more in control of my life and not let my anxieties highjack my peace. I want to stop having insomnia and when I finally fall asleep, nightmares. My own perceptions of advancing age and illness are … Continue reading

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Hesitating to Write about My Psoriasis

I’ve been stopping myself from sharing on this blog, because I’m afraid of being judged. That’s the danger of being honest and putting yourself out there. I really shouldn’t care about the negativity, because that hinders me from connecting with … Continue reading

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Oncology Checkup

My writing today will be as real as it can get. Just pure emotion. In real time. 9am: Can’t bring myself to wake up and face the day. There is a heaviness of dread. Can’t wait for the ordeal to … Continue reading

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My Hysterectomy gave me a release I never expected

Till age 45 I still felt a vacuum inside and a longing for a child. It’s something I could tell no one. Most of my friends had kids and I felt alienated from them. Even at this late age it … Continue reading

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My Greatest Worry is that Health Insurance Terms & Premiums Keep Changing

The Insurance companies blame the doctors and even the patients, the doctors point out that insurance companies have high management and sales commission costs too. In the end the patient is the one who suffers, especially if they have a … Continue reading

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Being Human

The inadequacy I feel is crushing. I can’t believe I am here. How did I even get here? I know the various traumas. I feel like a broken recorder. No one likes to hear complaints. Well perhaps you won’t mind … Continue reading

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Internal Life

I wonder if everyone’s internal life is as vocal or non stop like mine. The internal voice of your consciousness. I suppose it’s this way for most introverts who need and enjoy introspective time to unwind. It’s why I write. … Continue reading

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Does Midlife Begin When You Hit Menopause?

My sister is 50 but hasn’t hit menopause yet and has a remarkable amount of energy. The energy she has is comparable to what I had in my twenties which makes me wonder why I’m so defective. We share 50% … Continue reading

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The 21st Anniversary of My Very First Major Operation

It’s crazy to think that around this time 21 years ago I was rushed to hospital and they had to perform an emergency appendectomy. It was my very first time under the knife and pretty much a traumatic nightmare. A … Continue reading

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Is This Old Age?

I refuse to accept that I’m old at just 51. But these days, whenever I struggle to wake up, with all the muscles and joints in my upper body aching, I feel old. When my mum was 51 she looked … Continue reading

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Thank You Nalie

I was shocked to see this farewell on my Instagram feed today. One of the saddest things about finding cancer support online is loosing your friends. Knowing someone online can be so powerful, because you kinda know their souls. You … Continue reading

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Identity

In Singapore your identify is vey much tied to the job title you hold, the company you work for, your marital status and the number of children you have. It’s the most common question you get asked and for me … Continue reading

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Feeling Extreme Anxiety & Worthlessness

Been feeling especially insecure lately. Exceptionally down emotionally. Don’t feel like a worthy human being. Or at least in this world that values superficial things and status. This world where bullies thrive and aggression is rewarded. I just want peace … Continue reading

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