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Recent Posts
- When Was the First Time you Took a Flight?
- I Used To Have A Dream Job
- Something I Wrote on Medium. Hope you’ll read it there.
- Please Don’t Ask Me To Be Resilient
- Join Medium with my referral link – Shanti C K
- When I was diagnosed with cancer
- What a Trip to Siem Reap Taught Me
- Been Writing at Another Place but I’m still here too.
- My Niece Made Me So Happy Today
- Grateful for My Cousins
- Siem Reap March 2023: Pink Lotuses
- Siem Reap March 2023: Day 1 Angkor National Museum
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Category Archives: Grief
Please Don’t Ask Me To Be Resilient
medium.com/@chelliahshanti/please-dont-ask-me-to-be-resilient-b5e63d787d9f
Posted in Grief, Trauma
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Don’t Know How to Feel About This
I’m getting closer and closer to my father’s age, but he’ll never be any older than 61. It’s weird that if I stood next to him now, to strangers, at the very most he would look like an older brother … Continue reading
Must Read: First They Killed My Father by Loung Ung
I’ve never been so fully engaged in a book. The last one was perhaps Truman Capote’s In Cold Blood. The parts of the book touching on the fear and pain of losing a father made me cry. I can’t recall … Continue reading
Time in a Bottle by Jim Croce
I have been obsessed by this song from 1973 lately. It has the perfect haunting melody, and most poignantly beautiful lyrics. Poetry in fact. In my opinion, pure genious. I feel every single word and you will too, if you … Continue reading
What I Dreamt
It was very vivid. I was desperately trying to text my dad. I wanted to text him that I miss him so much, because he’s been away for two weeks and also that I love him so much. The desperation … Continue reading
#7. Letter to My Papa
Papa, I’m glad you’ll never go through the hardships of aging, but I still very often think of how much better my life would be if you hadn’t been taken so early. I don’t think I would have cancer or … Continue reading
My Eldest Cousin M
Been thinking a lot about my cousin M lately. To be accurate, he’s never left my mind. After he passed away in his sleep in 1995 (he was only 37 years old and it was attributed to an epileptic fit) … Continue reading
What I Admired Most About My Father (My Darling Papa)
I decided to pose the same question to myself and found myself floored. The word admiration seemed so distant and didn’t quite cover it. A primary school composition answer would be “He was the most handsome and intelligent person to … Continue reading
Posted in family, Grief, Midlife Musings, Singapore Living, Trauma
Tagged family, father, gratitude, grief, love, papa
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Writing About Stuff that Troubles Me
I often think I need to get it all out in order to feel better, but often what I feel is self conscious and not any better. You know how some people are so self assured they don’t give a … Continue reading
Posted in aging, Anxiety, Blogging & Writing, Grief, Trauma
Tagged CBT, self conscious, therapy, trauma, writing
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Sentimental Value – 21st Birthday Gift from My Father
As I regularly try to declutter for my peace of mind I come across a lot of things I don’t use but can’t part with. If I go by Marie Kondo’s rule of keeping things that spark joy, I have … Continue reading
Fascinated by Salman Rushdie revealing the best period of his life
If I could go back and relive any time in my life, I’d start in 1979. I was just finishing Midnight’s Children and my first son was about to be born. In fact, I remember telling his mother to just … Continue reading
What I Wrote Yesterday Feels False
False in the sense that I’m forcing myself to sound more well and upbeat than I am. Inside I’m drowning. I never wrote about the times I have such intense fear that I feel paralysed into inertia. Whether it’s a … Continue reading
Posted in Anxiety, Blogging & Writing, Cancer, Grief, Midlife Musings, psoriasis, Singapore Living
Tagged depression, grief, loss, ptsd, stigma, triggers
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Feeling Lost today till a Stranger (not quite actually) & Kind Soul reached out
19 years ago I lost my beloved Papa and this whole week (the dates) are a reminder of my nightmares and trauma. I did things today, I would normally enjoy, but I couldn’t quite taste my food or have any … Continue reading
For Those Who Grieve? The Unbearable Pain Does Diminish
1. Don’t suppress your emotions. Being “strong” will damage you mentally. Get professional help like counselling early. Do everything in your own time and don’t be rushed or pressured. This is not the best time to make decisions. (I regret … Continue reading
Internal Life
I wonder if everyone’s internal life is as vocal or non stop like mine. The internal voice of your consciousness. I suppose it’s this way for most introverts who need and enjoy introspective time to unwind. It’s why I write. … Continue reading
Posted in Blogging & Writing, Cancer, Grief, When Work Sucks
Tagged friendship, grief, introvert, Life, loss, memories, papa, Time, writing
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#6. Letter to my Papa
I wish I didn’t feel this, but I do. I feel like I’m not talking to you, but to myself. It’s the same feeling I got when I was desperately pleading for God to save you and that I would … Continue reading
#5. Letter to my Papa
Papa, so often in the past 19 years, there have been world events and even just local events that I want to talk to you about. Just so much of life is happening and it’s not fair that you’re missing … Continue reading
Posted in Grief, Midlife Musings
Tagged dad, father, grief, loss, love, papa, personal
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The Bravest Writer I’ve Met On WordPress – Janet
janetvdepression.com/ I’m so impressed at how Janet is so unafraid to unburden her heart and in doing so has helped me. She has made me count my own blessings. She has made me not feel so isolated in my own … Continue reading
#4. Letter to my Papa
My biggest worry is forgetting. I want you never to be forgotten, but lately my memory has taken a hit after two rounds of chemo and the general anaesthesia that comes with surgeries. This is why, even though I’ll probably … Continue reading
#3. Letter to my Papa
I feel lonely without you. I thought the vacuum wouldn’t remain for this long, but it has for almost 19 years now. Me missing you is a testament to what a good father you were. I didn’t realise it then, … Continue reading
#2. Letter to my Papa
It’s strange that when you were around, this tone that I’m using in these letters, would sound unnatural and extremely awkward. I used to talk to you in such an abrupt manner filled with such cockiness. I’m not a confident … Continue reading
#1. Letter to my Papa
Papa, the last time I communicated with you was through text. And back then texting was very expensive and I found out you spent S$92 on texts from overseas. Don’t know if it’s accurate, but somehow that number is stuck … Continue reading
Posted in Grief
Tagged coping, grief, letters to my father, loss, love, papa, personal, thoughts
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