I previously published this post privately on my free WordPress blog Tiny Island on March 29, 2021. I’m so glad I did as I find that even if just a day goes by there is a loss in terms of the fine details of how you feel in the moment. From this day on, I aim to write as much as possible while thoughts are fresh. (31 January 2022)
(29 March 2021) I haven’t written in ages although I’ve had a strong yearning to on many an occasion. It’s the imposter syndrome. Don’t have the confidence to call myself a writer. Something I’ve always desired and constantly aspire towards. (Meanwhile this idiot has lost her blog Singapore Actually and years of effort due to her technical incompetence. Don’t want to be held back by this, so am blogging on my old free blog. How I wish I could just focus on writing and not have to look into the technical stuff.)
I would never have imagined a world with Covid. A world where our movements are restricted and where we would be separated from loved ones on the premise that we would contract and spread the disease. I would never have thought something akin to a flu would be this bad. Seems unreal that we can’t travel out of this often claustrophobic tiny dense island. Oh how I yearn for cooler seasons and rural country spaces. We can’t even visit our neighbour Malaysia. No flying no ferries or even a car ride to JB.
It seems crazy that there would emerge such a thing as vaccine envy or fear that if we didn’t take the vaccine early it would either not be offered to us due to lack of supply (hoarding by certain countries), or we be offered the dreaded alternatives that we don’t trust as much as the branded, now seemingly luxe ones like Pfizer. Who would have even conceived of such a world that descended upon us suddenly at the end of January of 2020, before an actual lockdown was imposed in early April. The craziness at supermarkets and hoarding of toilet rolls adds to this surreal , this can’t possibility be our reality, feeling.
And we thought it would all not last thing long. Surely it would be over by June of 2020 and everything would go back normal. Surely my cousin in Australia could now fly down and visit us. It’s now March of 2021 and we’re still in this thing. Checking into shops, temperature taking and mask wearing is a norm. Everything mandated and we can’t even question lack of freedom. We have to carry on with whatever is imposed as it will keep us alive. My greatest fear was for my mum, aunties and uncles. I wanted them all to be well. Was so terrified that I’d be the one passing them this invisible virus with no symptoms shown. So far i have been lucky to not have contracted it. Actually with the mask wearing I haven’t even had the simple cold or cough.
For introverts it’s been rather nice to not have to socialise as much and we are every so grateful to the front line workers like the always cheerful and hardworking food delivery folks. But the sameness just takes a toll on our mental health. I’ve found myself reduced to tears and on the verge of a breakdown during the isolation of the country wide lockdown. I didn’t leave the home for 80 days straight due to the law and also fear. Missed my nieces so much and felt so sorry that they were separated from their grandparents as well. I walked around the dining table ad living room multiple times for exercise. The most I could do was a thousand steps. It seemed a tad futile and no fresh air or sunlight wasn’t too great for my mental or physical health.
I miss the independence of taking the bus or train without fear of contracting the virus. I miss family gatherings where we are not forced to chose or exclude anyone even with the numbers being increase from zero to five to eight.
Singapore has become increasingly crowded due to the fact that no one can travel for leisure and even business travel is limited.
I can’t even imagine what it is like for the workers in the dormitories. I feel extremely guilty to complain about what for us is a life of luxury compared to their horror.
Just thought it was important to record and share my thoughts and as always I’ll be updating this posts with new insights as they emerge. Will be hitting publish now. And am ever so grateful if you can relate and this helps in some small way.
