False in the sense that I’m forcing myself to sound more well and upbeat than I am. Inside I’m drowning.
I never wrote about the times I have such intense fear that I feel paralysed into inertia.
Whether it’s a different form of a panic attack (usually it’s situational claustrophobia and I can’t breathe) I’m not sure, but it feels mentally painful to be in this headspace. There’s so much I want to do, but I can’t do anything, because it’s so overwhelming and I feel utter hopelessness. I feel a desperation and I can feel the clock ticking and time running out quickly. An all consuming feeling of futility. Is this depression?
But I always thought depression usually has no reason or trigger, but I know all I my reasons and triggers too well and just can’t avoid them. I wish I could, but they are ever present.
The only thing that makes me truly joyful are seeing happy children. Their well being occupies my mind fully, so that nothing else seems to matter. The power of love, truly.
I must write down the next time I feel joy because right now it’s hard to think of anything that doesn’t involve food as a medication basically.
My happiness in Singapore list is really something forced, but then again I was in a better state when I wrote it. This state comes and goes. Perhaps so for others who feel there’s a dark cloud shadowing them. That list became very popular as in this country that is so materialistic and status conscious has most of us, that don’t measure up by their standards, feeling down. Even more so now with inflation.
I’m waiting for the day I can regain my peace of mind permanently and not just temporarily by shutting out any thoughts about the future. It never works though. Whatever I suppress comes in full force in my nightmares.
If you ask me how I am, I will say I’m fine. I think everyone tends to do that.
On second thought, well maybe not totally. In that particular moment I’m probably happy being with you and thankful for your company.
Also if I’m with you, you’re one of very few people I feel safe socialising with and confiding in, as I have intense social anxiety. I feel safe with you as you never ask triggering questions or make me feel less than and that’s why I’m thankful to have you.
I also prefer one on one interactions to group interactions which always make me feel small, alone and of no value (anymore compared to the past). Very much like the isolation of a group chat. (That I’m sure many can relate to)
If you posed the same “How are you” question in my twenties I would honestly say I’m so happy and have no fear, but just pure excitement about the future. It wasn’t just about the age itself, but my life situation. Before drastic changes and losses disrupted everything. If you’ve been there (especially in terms of trauma and loss) I’m sure you can relate. If I had the power to prevent this from happening to anyone else I would.
Years have passed, but this week in particular is just a really triggering one for me in relation to loosing my beloved father. I’m beside a picture of him as I type this. Please don’t misconstrue this post. It’s not to ask for sympathy, but I just needed an outlet. Typing words and sending them out into the unknown feels healing. For others it may be going to a place of worship, but for me this is what I need right now. It’s maybe my way of communing with the universe and asking for the cloud to be lifted.
I can very much relate to what you’re saying in your blog!
I hope, writing about all these feelings has helped you to feel a bit better now.
I too feel rather sad right now and try to rectify this with some blog writing. 🙂
So, I think I know where you’re coming from.
Bet Wishes, Aunty Uta ❤
I find writing so therapeutic as well and even better, communicating with fellow writers like you Aunty Uta ❤️
It was heartbreaking to hear that you’re going through such a hard time my heart goes out to you on the loss of your Dad and on the many other situations and events you’re going through which have made you unhappy I’m sending you sooo much love. I hope you get to hear the laughter and joy of children today. I hope your 20-year-old self will remind you that you’re absolutely AMAZING and worth diamonds sending you big hugs ❤️