Invisible Chains. I Want to Break Them.

I have these constant feelings of constriction and I just need and want to be free.

Free to realise the dreams and vision I always had till I stopped them in their tracks because there came a point when if I didn’t stop I would have totally crumbled.

Time has a way of creeping up on you.

My fears are mostly in my head. Or are they? And they plague my sleep.

But as a child I had some very real fears. The beginning of my eroded self.

Right now, it’s a self created jail due to extreme self doubt and a devastated sense of self.

I feel shredded.

I am easily intimidated. And I hate that.

I used to be confidant, but that person is no more. I used to like people, but now I wonder how they will hurt me further. I best avoid them.

My regrets I shouldn’t dwell on, as they eat into me.

I have been rusting these past 10 years.

But perhaps the decade of isolation and stagnation was a necessary thing for survival.

Yes I wish I could reclaim them and do something different.

I want to be in a different state. A better state.

I want to run away some place to start over. I fantasise about a time machine.

I need to jerk myself out of this lethargy. This chronic fatigue.

How wonderful it would be to not be chained by fear anymore. To boldly seek what I crave.

I hesitate writing anything negative because I wonder if just the act alone dooms you further into a pessimistic state.

I admire naturally optimistic people. I just try to imitate them and hopefully trick myself into states of happiness.

These moments of pleasure are often in isolation marked by long periods of self doubt and dwelling on morose thoughts.

Just needed to write from the gut for a change even though I know, it’s all very cryptic and a nonsensical stream of thoughts. Well perhaps they may make sense to someone coincidentally experiencing similar feelings of anxiousness and regret.

That’s what a journal is for and somehow writing with an audience is more healing than making this private.

Perhaps I’m trying to shake myself out of something. Trying to propel myself forward.

Age has a way of limiting your vision, but perhaps it is all still within reach.

About bookjunkie

Blogging about life in Singapore & recently cancer too.
This entry was posted in Midlife Musings and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Invisible Chains. I Want to Break Them.

  1. Bridget says:

    Sending hugs – and congratulations in writing about your emotions, something I find difficult to do on mine xx

    • bookjunkie says:

      Thank you… Yeah it always feel embarrassing to allow myself to be vulnerable & I always feel like I have good life compared to most & am not entitled to whine.

  2. Brave of you to share your thoughts, feelings and fears. My fears may look different then yours, and are about different things, but I know fears. Very well!
    I am optimistic, despite my fears, and I’m happy about that.

    In my opinion it is never too late. OK, you will probably not become a top-athlete after 40 years old. A 60-year old woman may never succeed in getting a twenty-something boyfriend (if you would want that;-)), but other then that: go for it!

    You write very well and your blog is nice!

  3. verena says:

    Well-said and i believe your post echoes what many feel today. But like you said at the end, it’s perhaps still within reach, if you have the chance to make the choice to step out and reach out. 🙂

    I, too, admire people who are naturally optimistic, whether it is just the optimistic facade that i see, or they just are overflowing with positivity that I try to emulate without much success.

  4. poetrygirl says:

    yours is one of my favourite blogs (and i subscribe to thousands of them, being a slightly mad librarian 🙂 )

    you are very brave indeed to write what you feel honestly. that is a fearless thing to do actually.

    and i also want that time machine. let’s look for it!!

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