Trying to Help Myself

I tend to build up negative scenarios in my head that never materialise in real life. Often they have to do with failure and rejection. Often these scenes appear in my nightmares when I try « not to think » (is this even possible? Only with constant distraction) and quell them in real life. Writing about this in case you out there are experiencing this too.

The thoughts always come when I’m trying to sleep at night, but stay wide awake, no matter how hard I try. I attempt drowning out my own thoughts by listening to audio books. These may work, but my subconscious mind can’t be fooled and all the fears then appear in my nightmares. Why is my brain so dark? Why do I torture myself like this? And it’s out of my control. It’s all the thoughts I push away during the day and all the ways I try to stay positive. It comes back like a boomerang.

So what do we do in this case. How do we stop those nightmares. I think it’s linked to confidence. Because I lack it in every dimension of my life, my brain believes the worst is inevitable since I have no value.

I just know for sure I’m not alone in this. I may just be one of the few confessing these negative feelings that many may see as a weakness.

I don’t think they are weaknesses. These feelings are just human. From our hunter gatherer DNA when our adrenaline kept us alive whenever danger was spotted. Then, in the form of a predator and now in the form of feelings of inadequacy as we try to keep up in this mostly imaginary capitalist world with imaginary statuses we have to achieve in order to be accepted. This is all because we now have more comfortable surroundings and our predators are now eradicated or in zoos. We are the predators now. Humans are the dangerous ones.

We are predators to each other as well as you see in actual politics and office politics.

I was just reading about how the people of Sri Lanka had enough of their corrupt leaders and stormed their mansion residences. It’s always those with the least money and power that suffer. Meanwhile the perpetrators escape.

I would love to see justice served. Most impressively the protestors handed over the money they found in the palace to the police, amassed by the corrupt leaders obviously. Probably a fraction of what was stolen from the people. When starving people can be this honest and admirable it warms my heart indeed. I’m absolutely rooting for justice for them and for their beautiful country to be restored.

Twice I was supposed to visit, pearl of the orient, isle of serendipity, Ceylon, Sri Lanka, and twice I had cancer detected so the trips were cancelled. I’m still hoping this life long dream I’ve had since age 5 will materialise one day.

And yes I’ve gone off on a tangent again. But yes, this is free form writing. I’m just putting down whatever comes into my head for this post.

I started off talking about my fears and insecurities, but others in the world have it far worse. It doesn’t negate what I feel though. Others having it worse never helps. I don’t want anyone to have it worse. I want us all to have basic safety and comfort. And most of all a feeling of security. I don’t have the third one, but I am trying to manifest it. I’m always insecure and feel like the floor is gonna be ripped from under me at any moment. Honestly don’t know how I would handle life then.

Writing is part of my way of manifesting a more secure life. It’s my form of free self therapy. A way of reaching out to the universe for a door to something good.

About bookjunkie

Blogging about life in Singapore & recently cancer too.
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