Aging Sucks

No matter what I hear about aging giving you more wisdom etc, to me it just plain sucks. I feel like myself on the inside, but the outside is betraying my identity.

Don’t think I’ve changed much since my thirties and my twenties? I was a baby. Anyone in your twenties? You’re a kid still so enjoy life as much as you can. Even in your thirties you may not be that mature yet. I certainly wasn’t.

Just a few years ago I came across a Nora Ephron book ‘I Feel Bad About My Neck’, and I couldn’t relate. I was thinking that couldn’t possibly happen to me. But at 51 it just did. I feel terrible about my neck and this is just the beginning.

Gravity is being very cruel. And collagen is being depleted. It doesn’t help that I loathe collagen rich foods like skin of meat and organs. Really doesn’t help that I went though chemo twice and that zaps your healthy cells as well. My mum at 51 looked so much younger than me and had much more energy and vitality.

I hated sunscreens. The texture felt awful and made me break out. I only recently started using them upon my Oncologist’s advise that I’m now prone to melanoma. Sunscreen textures are way more confortable and they even smell good. They don’t clog your pores like they used to. Actually I regret not using this in my youth. They say you should apply it religiously. I thought melanin protected me as I’m brown, but in reality melanin only gives you at most, an SPF of 7 and you need a minimum of SPF 30. This was kinda shocking to find out knowing today how UV rays ravage your skin.

Apart from my own vanity, the worst bit about aging is seeing your older relatives age. I feel so worried about it and pray for their vitality always. I feel that it’s so cruel that they have to struggle.

Trying my best to be positive here, but I’m grasping at straws. I guess at this age I’ve never been better at reading more complex books that used to be beyond my grasp, and reaching the peak of my piano playing abilities (not concert standard, full of mistakes, but okay). Does that even count for anything?

I just want to advise the younger ones based on regrets I have so that their lives can be better. I guess that’s a kind of wisdom? Makes me forlorn though, that I even have regrets and so little to be proud of. Perhaps it’s not too late. Perhaps this blog will lead me to some exciting fork in the road. I just realised that I would love to help cancer patients with any questions they may have. I love supporting fellow cancer patients, so maybe that’s one of my callings in this life.

Not a parent (not from lack of desire) but I love the children in my life (I’m blessed that way) so I would do anything in my power to help them and make their lives better. Gives my life the most meaning and joy.

I’ll end this post with my optimist mum’s point of view. Her sunny outlook keeps my anxieties at bay. In her words: « Never ever thought of aging. It’s only on birthdays that the numbers are going up and the numbers don’t signify anything. Not much change I should say. Only thing is I’ve become more alert. Also I’m more aware of things. I’m only more cautious, because of the covid outbreak. Now I feel very relaxed, just being occupied with whatever I want to do. »

About bookjunkie

Blogging about life in Singapore & recently cancer too.
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