Feels like such a waste that I haven’t written here in a year. I used to love writing on my blog. It just flowed. But lately I’m been commenting more through short form and visually on Instagram. Appreciate the connections there which include people I’ve known through blogging. The nicest folks and I am so grateful to know you kind souls even though we’ve never met and you don’t know what I look like. Thanks for excepting me in spite of my reticence to show my physical self.
I’m doing so much better now. Regained my stamina and hope to go further in terms of physical and mental abilities. I’m just satisfied if I’m less fatigued and am more alert and productive. I always feel so guilty when I’m not productive. Ironically the only time I felt truly liberated in terms of societal norms was during chemo when I felt it was ok to be less productive (basically watch a lot of travel and food shows on tv and nap). My brain was too much in a state of fog to read. Since then I’ve regained that ability. I’m an extremely slow reader, but I’m detailed. I check every word I’m unsure of and reread for clarity if needed.
I can’t believe that I’ll be 50 this year. It’s horrifying. I know I’m expected to say I’m so grateful I’ve made it to 49, but I’m far from the model cancer patient. I’m vain and I don’t like how I’ve aged prematurely. I miss my old perfectly arched dark eyebrow and lashes. I’m forlorn at my thinning, bald spots on my scalp. It’s awfully indulgent to say perhaps, but it’s the truth. I wish I could be more evolved but sadly I’m not. I’m a huge work in progress even at this late stage.
As always I am grateful for joyous moments with cherished ones, and look forward to living more in the present with them & creating great memories.