Anxiety: Why Am I Wired This Way?

My brain has been wired by trauma to always think of the worse possible outcome, so that I can be prepared. I’m constantly in fight or flight mode. It’s a terrible state to be in and I wish I wasn’t this way.

There was a short period where I could live in the moment. Till age 4, at home with my mum, or with my cousins, aunts and uncles at my grandma’s. Before I entered formal education. Those were was safe cocoons and I am so grateful for those sweet wholesome memories. Even through the traumatic school days I always had the safe haven of my big, wonderful extended family.

The school experience truly ruined me. Wish I had been home schooled instead of undergoing the psychological trauma of kindergarten and primary school. In this day and age those few teachers (who tarnish the vocation) would be in jail. The poor defenceless boys got the worst of it. Also, our parents had no clue of the abuse as we were too afraid to tell thinking the teacher was always right since they held all the power. Since then, as adults we have reconnected in a WhatsApp group and it’s become like a support group for the trauma we collectively endured. It’s pretty liberating to know you were not imagining it and that it was most definitely wrong.

The best of formal education for me was in secondary school. There was a kind of special joy and freedom in being in an all girls school and with teachers who were brilliant, inspiring and genuinely cared. Teachers who didn’t bully or abuse you. Teachers who were not sadists. Teachers who were nurturing. Some could be strict, but never abusive. I actually loved learning and hungered for more. Well that was my experience in my all girls school and I’m grateful for that pocket of peace in my life.

So always listen to your child if they seemed troubled. A child is equally deserving of dignity. Things have vastly improved now I hope. I feel immensely for children because I remember what it was like, and my deepest wish is for all children to have a happy childhood free of anxiety and trauma. Society should do more to protect children.

About bookjunkie

Blogging about life in Singapore & recently cancer too.
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