Since the pandemic I realise more and more that I’m more comfortable having one on one conversations.
No small talk for me.
Life is too short for that.
It’s why I find making new friends hard. I also don’t have much opportunity meeting new people in my comfortable homebody existence. I’m fine with that as I consider my relatives my friends as well and we already have a deep meaningful relationship. We also don’t have to retell a whole history as we already know it all.
Once I lost my dad I felt that I couldn’t waste another second on people who don’t truly care for me or I for them. (My Papa and I had so many deep conversations and I am so glad I had that closeness.)
Every second was just too precious.
Also when you talk one on one with someone the conversation is less self conscious and more meaningful. Somehow in a big group I find the topics pretty superficial.
The worst thing? Conversations or topics, when only a few people are included. I’d rather not be there, but I’m stuck and feel triggered and deeply isolated.
Big groups are better when you’re playing games though. Like family parties with games like Pictionary where we formed teams. That was huge fun.
Even for meals, when the table is too huge, you hardly get to hear the person a distance from you. Sometimes you want to join in a conversation, but you’re just too far away.
There is comfort in big groups at times, like I really did enjoy camping in Primary 5. Younger me was much more of an extrovert than older me.
I also immensely enjoyed the company of my cousins as a kid. The more the merrier. There are no topics that trigger you when you’re a kid and so carefree. I wouldn’t mind reliving that bit. Full of love and laughter. I’m so happy that my little nieces have that joy with their cousins. It’s so lovely to watch all of these sweet kiddos and the affection they have for each other.
