As I get older, reality doesn’t seem as solid anymore. Everything feels hazy. Almost dream like.
I absolutely can’t process that I’m 51 already and 52 next. Past the dreaded milestone (I also have survivor’s guilt as in why did useless me survive when there are far more worthy people taken)
I can’t believe that many years have passed. I don’t feel old and wise. More like more wrinkled, but perhaps wiser (or more cautious, world weary & jaded) than before.
I can clearly recall, like a video in my head moments of my life when I was a young child. I guess it’s why I find it easy to empathise with children. Truly looking at it from their point of view. Children deserve as much dignity as adults and I will never understand why this is not so.
I miss being happy in my vocation, working with brilliant and genuinely kind people. And most of all I miss not feeling like a burden at age 22, like I do now. I can’t imagine how much I have regressed. Did I really live all those exciting tremendously fulfilling years? Why couldn’t I have just listened to my own instincts sooner and have made better decisions. Shut out all the other voices which clearly have their own agendas and don’t have your interest at heart.
When you’re a child or even up to your twenties you feel immortal. Only loss will rip any feeling of safety from you. You will never not have that carefree, anything is possible feeling again. That crippling fear of loss. It’s so cruel and who would do this to you? Why is this the fate of all humans. It can’t all be this tragic and bleak. I refuse to believe it.
There has to be other dimensions. Partly it might be my wishful thinking, but science doesn’t have the capacity to explain everything. I do believe there is more out there that we cannot even begin to fathom. Every time I forget I just look at pictures of the galaxy and also how far back we go in history.
So many whom I love are not with me and I can’t see them or know where they are. Why does it have to be like this. Please let time not be linear.
Of course the most debilitating loss is that of my Papa. I am so utterly destroyed and since then have to often fake a smile (even though it’s been almost 19 years) . The ring of the phone still haunts me. I couldn’t process it at all. I was in desperate denial.
I actually needed processional help then. I was clinically depressed and suicidal but plodded through my next job. More like next nightmare with toxic people and worst of all, betrayal. I should have just taken a much needed break then and not plunged into the next thing and the next thing that turned out to be so dangerous for me.
Cancer was horrible and terrifying at times but it is nothing compared to the pain of loosing a parent or your status in life. I hate using that word status but it’s the harsh reality of the capitalist world we live in no matter how must I try to deny it.
I’ll be forever thankful to my family members who made me feel included when I felt so lost. They know who they are. They are the ones who would be reading this.
The littlest ones made me believe in the divine again. And I’m forever blessed, thankful for them and want to do everything I can to help them. It’s my only ardent wish right now.
I am so afraid to fail that I am petrified to try. It would be better if no one was judging. I hate being judged as I feel that it is always unfairly so as no one can truly know what an individual goes through as each circumstance is unique.
I am just hiding in my cocoon for now doing my best and doing the only thing I feel I’m good at. Communicating my heart. My hope is that it helps someone out there make better decisions early in life. Basically, always listen to your own gut and never stay in toxic situations. Never make decisions when you’re feeling desperate. Also take every opportunity that comes your way to travel or do different things out of your comfort zone while you’re still in your twenties and full of energy.
The previous generations always criticise the next, but I only have admiration and high hopes for them. Especially generation Alpha. May you reach the stars and even other dimensions.
I’m writing this diary entry, hoping I can look back at my thoughts now from a better place in the future. Manifesting good things. It worked for me as a child. I spoke to God then (basically I had a lot of belief and faith – no particular religion) but lost it instantly, when my Papa was ripped from me. I hope to get it back. He would want that for me as well.
