13 Days Into the New Year

This post will be all over the place as I cram thoughts about these several days into one post.

I’m getting used to the psoriosis. I also now realise that the daivobet steroid gel has worked after a month. Some spots are now smooth and not scaling any more but they leave a scar or mark due to inflammatory hyperpigmentation. My cousin, the pharmacist, says it will go away eventually. I always bug her for free advice. I appreciate that my uncle too recently texted me about Ayurvedic cures. He always cares.

The steroid gel doesn’t seem to have worked on my scalp, but I’m trying more intensely now. Hope it doesn’t cause further hair thinning and loss.

I saw the dermatologist finally for a follow up appointment. I really like her, like I do all four of my female doctors. Surgeon, oncologist, gynaecologist and dermatologist. They are all very good looking, compassionate and down to earth. My gynaecologist is my age but looks decades younger.

She says in some areas the condition is bad like my scalp but she’s reluctant to give me the usual treatment as I am a cancer patient. She says I need to get the go ahead from my oncologist. I just know my oncologist will not want to take on that. No one wants the responsibility if things go south. And also my condition is not that bad. For instance it’s not totally covering my body and I don’t have psoriatic arthritis yet. So I can count myself lucky.

It’s a bit scary that one of the drugs is actually used as chemotherapy for skin cancer and another for the prevention of organ transplant rejection. So I’ll just continue with the steroids for now although those can’t be used long term as they thin the skin.

I am excited for the youngest relatives in my life who are going on to the next levels in primary and secondary school. Always happy to see life going well for them. They are always the highlight of my days.

I will admit that even though I feel like an introvert due to my anxiety perhaps I am not. I think my introvert tendencies are due to life circumstances and not who I really am on the inside. I miss my twenties when I had so many deep and light conversations with colleagues and friends of all ages. I cared about their well being. I would protect them from bullying and they did the same for me. I’ll admit that I often feel lonely.

I am never bored though. I’m constantly wishing I didn’t require sleep so i could read all night. Loneliness and boredom are two separate things. There is too much to occupy oneself when you love to read, write and there are award winning tv shows and movies. Plus music of course and playing the piano. I feel blessed to have a piano and know how to read sheet music. It was worth the pain of piano lessons and exams even though I’m a mediocre player who only practices for 15 minutes a day.

I also love exploring and learning languages. Diving more into the English language itself and basic French. More the vocabulary, as the grammar is just too hard. My brain seems to be wired just for English. I get why many find English grammar infuriating especially if they didn’t acquire the language as a child.

I enjoy my solitude, but at the same time I feel blue and lonely. I do miss female conversations but those close to my age are on a different tangent with teenaged children and because they are so occupied with their children I feel like I don’t want to be a high maintainence friend and trouble them. My mum doesn’t have any friends but she never feels lonely. So maybe I’ll get to that point one day.

I wonder if I’m truly lonely or just devoid of conversion and shaped by the expectations of society and those headlines that bombard us about the importance of having friends.

It gets harder as you get older. I have thoughts of joining a class just for this purpose, but my comfort zone is holding me back. Well basically my social anxiety and fear of being judged. Just the thought makes my heart pound. Also I hate dressing up and actually love just being comfortable. I feel like when I’m dressed up it’s just not the real me. It’s also related to body image issues that I feel more comfortable covering up.

It’s my youngest cousin’s birthday today. Texting her made me feel less lonely today and I hope she has all her dreams fulfilled. Yet again I am so grateful for my extended family.

At the end of the day I am shocked to read that Lisa Marie Presley, daughter of Elvis, died of a heart attack at just age 54. Her son died of suicide so I truly think she had a broken heart. She’s only 2 years older than me. Truly sad to hear news like this.

How wonderful though, if somewhere, somehow, she is reunited with her beloved father and son.

About bookjunkie

Blogging about life in Singapore & recently cancer too.
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