This is my exercise in letting go of expectations. Sadly life never turns out the way you expect for many, but there have also been treasured joys I never expected as well.
When I was a kid I always imagined I would have all these things:
1. Married with 5 kids in my own house, with my parents, and we would have fun all day playing. (I have a partner with whom I can sit in silence and be comfortable with without effort and feel worry free when we’re conversing and who supported me through my cancer journey, & I do have more than 5 children in my life whom I love more than they would ever know & who literally saved my life)
2. A writer who wrote magical books like Enid Blyton. She made British boarding school sound so good I longed to go. (Does self published count? That is, this blog?)
3. Or a teacher who was kind, unlike some of the mentally and physically abusive teachers I had. (Does imparting one’s knowledge count?)
4. Always look out for kids and be kind to them because I clearly will never forget how it feels to be a kid bullied in an adult world and have their dignity stripped away. (I could do much more, but I will always advocate for children)
5. When I was little, I wanted to travel to Switzerland in particular, but I may have been thinking about Austria from that hilltop scene in the Sound of Music. It was the abundance of nature and space that I was lacking and so drawn to. I also longed to live in the USA cos of TV. (I’ve been to Zurich and Basel for a day, though extremely jet lagged, and I have been to the USA)
I never thought about money, but I do now with the rapid inflation plus cancer treatments not being fully covered when they used to be. Wish I could win the lottery or something akin to that (I don’t buy tickets) and be worry free. It would free me to be myself fully. It’s why I was happiest in my twenties. Also to never have the cancer come back would be the best.
Actually all I wanted was to be happy and free. Freedom equals happiness. Hope I can attain that freedom doing what I love and not be chained in a toxic environment that obviously lead to cancer.
To work independently or with like minded folk would be a dream. Is all this too late? When you’re almost 52? It’s all relative I guess. The queen did live till 96.
I’m not seeking longevity, but I just want to not ever be physically dependent on anyone, especially not a stranger. To me that would be torture as I need my privacy badly. So here I’m putting out my wish to the Universe, for independence till the end.
