Constant Feeling of Futility & the Perfectionist Tendency

I’m trying to convince myself that it’s better to get something done than nothing at all. I have this perfectionist all or nothing tendency.

Even if, in my eyes it falls short of my goal for the day I shouldn’t just throw in the towel. For instance, if I don’t manage to wake up by 5am I used to call it quits and go back to sleep. These days even if I wake up at 6am I tell myself it’s fine. I can still get a short version of my morning routine done. A shorter walk, just 2 pieces on the piano and a few lines in my journal.

My morning routine makes me feel so good and sets me up for the rest of the day. Forgoing it makes me feel like crap. It ruins my day even though I do get the extra sleep that I need.

Morning sky in Singapore
Morning sky

I also desperately need the peace and quiet of those early hours to calm my mind. Ever since I started becoming plagued with anxiety attacks, I have become super sensitive to noise and things being out of place. I wish I wasn’t but I am and I just can’t concentrate with any background noises especially sounds from devices. It drives me insane.

I have this nagging feeling that I’ve hit a wall and am not improving as I should. But if I examine it further I know I’m being too hard on myself. I think ultimately I’m measuring everything based on monetary value rather than intrinsic value. Also by my age, and the limitations that imposes. If I was doing all this at age 40 I would think it’s brilliant but I’m past 50 and can’t help feeling the sand falling fast on that timer. But isn’t 50 something the new thirty something? On the inside I feel this way at least, apart from the horrifying fact that my whole face is falling.

I need to place value on the process. Would I write even if I didn’t make a cent (which has been the situation anyway)? Yes. The only reason I stopped is because I had so much problems with my host Go Daddy which doesn’t communicate well with WordPress (since May 2021 my site stopped working) and it was frustrating being on hold with the help desk for ages. Although, I am very grateful for two people Dax and Mitch (who were working from home in The Philippines) who helped me. The Go Daddy watsapp help was a nightmare. I kept getting a different person each time and their expertise was lacking. I was assured that it would be ok to migrate my blog and then to my horror, half of it disappeared.

In the end I got professional help from a developer from Codeable. Coding changes were needed and I have zero coding knowledge.

Super grateful that I’m able to at least post again and traffic has gone up a little. It’s the communication with readers and fellow writers that gives it all meaning. I truly missed that. My traffic took a free fall when my blog was hit with some coding errors and conflicts the past year. So if you want to share your thoughts in the comments, I look forward to it.

About bookjunkie

Blogging about life in Singapore & recently cancer too.
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