#2. Letter to my Papa

It’s strange that when you were around, this tone that I’m using in these letters, would sound unnatural and extremely awkward.

I used to talk to you in such an abrupt manner filled with such cockiness. I’m not a confident person by any means, but with you I was ultra confident, because I felt totally accepted. Beyond accepted actually. You left me with no doubt that I meant the world to you. For that, I am forever grateful.

Boomer era dads, especially Asian dads, would never ever say things like I love you but they showed it silently, but even more impactfully through their actions. Like that time I was down with Dengue Fever and was on the stretcher at the A&E and you stood beside me for what felt like hours feeding me polo mint sweets. Just little gestures like that are astounding memories that sustain me now.

I feel awful that I never did the same for you. When I heard you might be gone all I yearned for was to take care of you. All I desperately yearned for was to be with you so that you wouldn’t be alone. I felt so sorry for you. So worried for you. It pained my heart that you might be suffering, My brain didn’t process that you were already taken. I’m so sorry I was too late and couldn’t be there. I’ll never forgive myself for making different decisions that in my mind, might have altered your fate.

Anyway Papa I’ll always be sorry and wish I could keep you company in another alternative reality. I never want you to be alone or feel alone. Even for a second.

We had a tumultuous relationship with the usual yelling and crying. I guess because we were so much alike. I am your twin. I’m discovering this more and more. But I don’t need perfect, Papa. I’m far from it and in every dimension I chose you.

About bookjunkie

Blogging about life in Singapore & recently cancer too.
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2 Responses to #2. Letter to my Papa

  1. A great tribute to your father!

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