Confused & Conflicted (Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder)

I don’t feel old, but I feel old in comparison to those under 30 especially.

Grateful to learn from them as they introduce me to a new world. New terms and new ways of looking at the world. A kind of self assurance that is so beautiful. That I wish I could embody as well.

I am enlightened by the body positive movement (that all bodies are worthy), but it seems that diet culture is something that is a no-no. I can certainly understand why. And it’s why I refrain from talking about it recently. Dieting that is. Even though I never stopped attempting it.

But then I think, I’m not being authentic to myself. I do want to feel physically better and sadly that means to eat healthier and dropping in weight. And I have no stamina to exercise so diet is just the easier option for me. Mostly intermittent fasting because I just can’t cut off foods that I love. I would crave them too much and end up bingeing.

How I wish I could just eat what I love and what makes me happy, but I can’t. I have crap metabolism and that’s a fact. If I was granted a wish, that is what I would wish for. Seriously, not even money. Oh the freedom of that just blows my mind. You see I use food to medicate. Or should I wish for a society that truly embraces all bodies or doesn’t judge you based on it?

I grew up in an era when not much offended, but its hard to navigate the current era without the fear of causing deep offence. I am so conflicted as I hated being fat shamed my whole life and that caused a lot of trauma and resulted in further depression and ironically binge eating and weight gain. This together with dropping 25kg in 8 months through excessive exercise (orthorexia) and essentially starvation. (Anorexia as food was like poison to me at that time). So I do love that younger marginalised folks like me are taking back the power. Refusing to suffer the same.

But you want to know the truth? I have been fat shamed for so many years and bombarded by images of skinny bodies that are placed in a favourable light that I can’t seem to change my own brainwashed mind that slimmer looks better. Beauty is an extremely subjective thing. Just look at when the no eyebrows plucked foreheads were attractive in the Elizabethan era. Or hardly any brows in the sixties compared to thick full brows in the current Kardashian era. Also different cultures value different features. We all don’t find the same celebrities attractive for instance. I don’t agree with many on People’s sexiest person list.

Well I do think that chubby can be rather pretty and chubbier faces definitely look younger. No need for any of those fillers or Botox.

I am definitely a work in progress and thankful that social media exists, because it’s keeps me current. It’s a less lonely existence when you can find like minded folks and the power of those who would otherwise be forgotten or trodden upon.

Just airing my thoughts as I usually do, considering that I haven’t done this in a while.

The most beautiful to me are those with the kindest hearts and humblest personalities and that just shines through.

About bookjunkie

Blogging about life in Singapore & recently cancer too.
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