Every Sunday I tell myself that the next week will be different. I will start afresh on Monday.
EVERY SUNDAY. Seriously.
I feel like I am stuck in limbo and not moving forward. I have been stuck in limbo for quite a while now.
Often I regress. And wallow. Boy, do I wallow.
There are so many things that I feel so upset with myself about. Letting people treat me like a doormat which led to corporate career suicide. I feel like a broken recorder when I type this.
I feel terrible to admit this, but even though I hate confrontation of any form and am a docile coward, my last work situation has left me with so much rage within me that it’s just plain unhealthy. I felt like I was wasting away in those grey cubicles barely tolerating artificial people and lack of kindness around me. How could I have let myself be such a doormat for that mean idiot who was no better than school yard bully. All this useless resentment is just hurting me and I can’t wait to move on and erase that whole hellish period and individual from my mind. If there was a pill I could take to do it, I would.
I have very low confidence, but there are moments when my head swells. When I feel like my potential has been wasted. When I felt I was too good for that place, and would have never fit in any way. Most of the time though I felt like I had no other option, but to leave quietly – for my sanity.
Perhaps it was too late.
Now these panic attacks.
I also have a terrible all or nothing personality. Take going on a healthy diet for instance. If I screw up just a little, like indulge in a few cookies, it ruins the whole day for me. It’s so silly that I need to wait for the next day to start again. A tad, OCD huh?
Somehow, for this blog I have thrown out all my rules. I just blog whatever comes to mind without editing. I don’t hesitate to hit the publish button after about fifteen minutes of typing. Although for this post I took an hour. I find that the words flow faster as my fingers are able to keep up with my brain when I type. When I physically write with a pen on paper, the flow is just not as good even though it feels more intimate.
I can’t say that at times when I re-read and spot several grammatical errors that it doesn’t bother me. I am not that happy about my quality of writing either. Readability could be improved. But the whole exercise of the blog was to get me finally in the writing mode, where I could write the book that I’ve always desired. That would have made my father so happy (Of you…..I can’t ever let go and never will).
I treat this blog as an electronic version of my bedside journal. That seems to be working. It’s given my disorganized existence some kind of structure. Now if I could just transfer this to my real life. Then I could possibly get something concrete done by the end of 2011.
There’s a story that’s bursting within me. It may not be as good on paper as it is in my head.
It will force me to face my demons. That’s the scariest part. It’s also scary to put yourself out there. The writers I most admire, all have a big part of themselves in their stories. I bow down at their bravery. I guess we all seek, authenticity, honesty and truth in writing.
I also bow down to their discipline. Most writers are extremely disciplined and have a well established writing routine. But I will take baby steps, with just 500 words a day, 5 days a week. At least 10,000 words a month. Can’t be too bad since, this post has 688. I’m already feeling more optimistic.
(Just a bit of trivia for motivation: A short story is about 7500 words and a novel has about 70,000 words)
It sounds like this post is a good exercise in getting your thoughts out of your mind and on to the page. I think that’s important in trying to sort out what is bothering you.
It’s completely understandable that you still haven’t gotten over the bad treatment of an ex boss. That takes time.
As far as writing a number of words each day, well, I believe it takes commitment. I went through a phase where I did the same, but you know what, it’s the not the quantity, it’s the quality that counts. I think you should write when you need, when you feel inspired.
I am proud of your continued ability to be straight forward. It does take courage. I wrote a blog post last week, erased it, and then reposted.
I almost didn’t publish this one because it felt so whiny. But sometimes I like to whine 😉
I know this sounds weird, but have you thought about writing a letter or talking to your boss to tell him how you feel?
I am just working on my own experience here, putting myself out there (or out here) but I had an experience where I was sexually abused as a child by someone I knew and he still is in my “circles”. It took me 35 years of anger and hatred, but I eventually worked on the “me” part and I realized what I was allowing this person do to me even now 35 years later. (he isn’t affected at all) In a way I was letting this person abuse me every day by allowing myself to feel this way and wasting all my thought time thinking about how much I hated him. He was still in control in a way, and that chipped away at my self esteem.
I had the opportunity to speak with him about 2 years ago and I basically told him “what you did was wrong and disgusting–I know it, and you know it, whether you admit it or not. You will always be a pig (I called him some other names too), that’s a choice you made, but God will deal with you, that’s not my job. I will never, ever, forget, but I forgive you and I will never waste another thought or feeling on you ever again in my life.” In that moment I had the power…ME!
It was a great relief to me, and ever since that day I have not thought about him at all!
I was really amazed at the relief. All the energy that I was wasting on hating him was gone and it felt really good.
It felt good to think that he didn’t control me anymore. Hating takes a lot of energy.
The one thing that helped me get my self confidence back was exercise. Not just running, but some self defense, boxing moves, kick boxing etc. it really empowered me and made me feel strong, not just physically, but mentally as well.
Your personality comes through in your writing. You seem like someone who has the skills it takes to do whatever you want. Your writing is great! I love reading your blogs every day (I didn’t realize how much until you didn’t blog last week )’t this is your dream, make a plan and do it. You may just need that weight taken away before you can fly.
OK…waiter…..another vodka on the rocks….hold the rocks!
Thank you so much for sharing your heart with me. That must have taken a lot out of you and I sincerely appreciate it. I was feeling silly and very self-conscious at first writing about this, but i guess it was not so trivial after all. I still find myself holding back quite a bit when I write.
I also want to be more optimistic and give out good vibes. I’m always seeking positivity and I get it from you in droves. I suffer from flagging confidence and incredible self doubt so thank you for boosting me up. Coincidentally I just saw a Vlog about boxing one of those bag devices as home exercise and thought that looked therapeutic.
My heart is going out to to you at this moment….anyone who would abuse a child is a monster in my book. To confront this person….I have just no words….you are so brave. I just cannot even begin to imagine how hard that must have been. To even be in the same space sounds traumatic. I am so glad that it gave you your power back, but I wish you didn’t have to go through that nightmare in the first place.
We all go through stuff…it’s not what you go through, but how you come out on the other side that matters.
I think you would like the boxing…..
whine away bookjunkie… this is ur personal space and you’re entitled to write anything you want 😉 i hope you do feel better… i really enjoy your writing so keep up whatever u’re doing for i’ll keep reading…
Thanks Lady J…it helps that you’re listening 🙂 I’m saving loads on therapy!
Even though I am very introverted I sometimes feel like I need to cry out into the blogosphere….it’s great when there are like minded female writers out there….women who are writers always seem to understand on a whole other level. I guess we are sensitive souls.
We are sensitive souls. That’s the beauty of writing and sharing. Do you see how you being brave and offer your story opens the road for others to follow? It’s a wonderful thing to do. I just wanted to tell Sister Earth that I’m so sorry that happened. I know she has put it in the past but I know she’s not alone. I’m proud of her for confronting the monster. I think that was what healed her. It wouldn’t be a bad idea at all to write him a letter, even if you didn’t send it, you could tell him how wrong he was.
The best revenge is success.
Never tried the unsent letter…that sounds like something I could do. Thanks Julie. I am definitely a sensitive soul like you.
Maybe you’re putting too much pressure on yourself with this book. You already know you’re capable of writing more than 500 words a day, right? So I think it’s the label (“a BOOK”) that’s freaking you out. What if you just wrote those extra 500 words first thing every morning and then moved on to writing for your blogs? You can think of it as another blog (what’s one more? 🙂 ) if that helps. And at this early stage, I wouldn’t worry about spelling and grammar — just get the words on the page and sort all the picky details out later. Sometimes we have to tell ourselves little white lies (like “I’m not writing a book, I’m just writing”) to shut down the negative voices in our heads.
Maria, you’re absolutely right about this…the labelling of the project as book is extremely daunting. I like your suggestion of treating it as another blog. Loads of pressure off when I look at it this way.
I relate so well to a lot of what you describe here. The need for it to be perfect, to start perfect, to continue perfectly. And if it doesn’t, shelving it.
I have a great deal of faith in you as a writer. Like Maria, I think labelling it adds a great deal of pressure…and I say that as someone who’s novel is sitting on her laptop maybe 1/3 done and untouched for two years. As someone who wrote a 10 chapter story on and off for 8 years. And someone who occasionally has good days and suddenly thousands of words come flying out of nowhere.
Goals are great. Punishing yourself for not always making them is less so.
I think the goal to write daily is great. But maybe 5 or 6 days a week. Give yourself permission to check out a few days a week?
But of course it’s always easier to tell someone else to cut themselves some slack than it is to tell yourself to do so (and I say that as someone who cuts herself next to no slack)
It’s a relief to know that I am not alone in feeling this way. It’s true…I never cut myself any slack. Even when I’m taking a break, I chide myself for being lazy and taking it too easy and wasting my life away. Crystal, your comment made me think….I would never be as mean to anyone as I am to myself – far from it. I wouldn’t dream of it….it’s weird how hard we are on ourselves huh? I think women tend to be even harder on themselves…from my experience.