I was wondering whether to write about this. Was thinking about it for the past three days. Sometimes I write posts in my head but never type them out.
Was lying in bed feeling anxious again. It’s the reason why I can’t fall asleep most of the time. The other insomniacs on Twitter keep me sane.
It all sounds really dumb. I have anxiety over the tiniest things and I wish I could be more normal. Well I used to be – but not anymore.
I am embarrassed to say this out loud, but one of my anxieties involves taking a taxi. I am petrified about taking a taxi. It’s because I feel trapped in a vehicle with the windows shut (small confined space). And with a stranger I am unable to ask them (if needed) to allow me to open the windows a little. It’s not really that I need the windows open. I just need to know that I can open it a crack if I want to. It’s to do with control. Being in control allows me to feel not so trapped. It’s about having an exit. The trapped feeling is what leads to the claustrophobia and those attacks are terrifying.
Gosh, I’m sounding like such a control freak. But if you’ve read my earlier posts, you’ll know how neurotic I can be. And you’ll also know about my panic attacks linked to situational claustrophobia. It’s been preventing me from living my life fully. I do get over this little episodes, but it’s so draining.
I often feel like my life has been hijacked. I just want my old life back.
The last time I took a taxi, the driver was using some kind of ointment that smelt so bad. It was so strong that I felt like I was suffocating in the air-conditioning. To make things worse, the radio was blaring – which just makes me unable to think. Usually I can talk myself down. But when there is external noise, it interferes with my thought patterns and I just can’t do it. I didn’t dare say a word though and decided to just brave it through till I reached my destination. It was so nerve wrecking to end up being stuck in traffic and having the ordeal drawn out. When I arrived at my destination I had a massive migrane and was in no mood for socializing, but I had to. You know, be fake, smile, grin and bear it. And I hate being fake. The only reason I’m fake is to be polite. So after that I try to avoid social gatherings. It’s all just too stressful. Not a pleasure at all.
I am tired of this fear that pervades my life. Just zapped today. Maybe I’ll pick myself up soon enough.
Just wanted to write about this because therapy costs too much.