Thankful for My Anxiety for One Reason

I never ever thought I’d actually be thankful for my anxiety. But there’s one reason. It confirms that I’m not a psychopath. If you can’t tell, I’ve been watching a lot of true crime. I’m fascinated by what would prompt a serial killer to do what they do as it’s unfathomable to me to inflict such pain of any degree on someone. The psychological aspect is beyond fascinating to me.

My problem is being overly concerned with what other people feel and having deep anxiety over it. I should be grateful as this is in the opposite end of the spectrum to a psychopath.

A psychopath has no empathy or anxiety over hurting people. They have no concern over people or societal norms.

I kinda envy the freedom of being a psychopath. I can’t even imagine not being concerned about what other people think or not caring how they feel. I am an overly concerned overthinker and perhaps I often misread signals. I hurt myself a lot this way and imaging worse case scenarios that I’m deeply disliked. And I just can’t shake it. My rational mind tries to tell me otherwise but my anxious mind can’t be convinced in the slightest.

I am certain it’s due to the trauma I endured as a child. Being on constant high alert for hours with no chance to let my guard down. It was part of my survival. But wow, what a liberating existence that would be.

Naturally anxious people or empaths, who are usually drained all the time with people pleasing and are constantly worried about how others may be feeling. I often wish I could just, not care, for just a day, but it’s impossible.

I would like to be the bully for a change. No, just kidding. That would be deplorable. I would never want to be that. Been on the receiving end countless times so I hope karma is real. Doesn’t seem to be, as bullies seem to go far and get rewarded by toxic capitalist societies.

Came across a Tik Tok by someone who was diagnosed as a sociopath and revealed how they would use people without any qualms. How they would mimick acceptable behaviour to fit in and get ahead at the workplace depending on who could get them ahead. It all sounds so draining, but sadly too familiar.

They went for jobs they are not qualified for and would get them. They would also do anything to get to the top. Looks like I’ve worked with quite a few sociopaths, as I’m sure, have you.

My anxiety was definitely nurtured as well due to trauma. I recall having anxiety as soon as I had to start kindergarten. It reached a peak with abuse (SA) as a preteen and teenager. So I often think perhaps a different path may have led to me being confident and having less anxiety. I often think about that and wish I could have a do-over, like in a computer game.

About bookjunkie

Blogging about life in Singapore & recently cancer too.
This entry was posted in Anxiety, Midlife Musings, When Work Sucks and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.